Max Payne the Movie
So as a long time geek of all things media related, I went and saw the new Max Payne movie. I loved the games. Max Payne 2 I put easily in my top 5 games of all time. Dare I say my top 3. The game is a stylish detective noir story. The action was great, game play smooth, and the first game to really utilize the bullet-time slow down effect. I loved the story of Max as this tortured disheveled man who can’t get over his past; the loss of his family. Regret, loss, these are things that most people can relate to, and the reason I think I enjoyed the game and the characters so much. The game was original: the comic book cut-scenes, the music, the Sam Spade-poetry. All of it was so, so, very right.
Then, on this past Friday, everything I held so dear about the Max Payne world was bastardized; Hollywood-ized. Turned into a steaming…pile…of…donkey….shit!!! Why is it that Hollywood always has to take a game that is great in its setting, its style, and most importantly it’s story, and fuck with it every time. EVERY TIME. Not once has Hollywood gotten a video game right. Some have come close, but of all the franchises this one, this one was so translate-able, so strong with story. How could they have possibly messed it up?!
There were soooooo many things wrong with this movie. So many things that I don’t think I can list them all. And the screw ups weren’t just wrong, they were so very wrong. How wrong? Wrong, like masturbating to tell-a-tubbies wrong, like watching your dog poop wrong, like voting for George W. Bush…….wrong!
1) Where was the narrative? The entire game is based on Max’s inner dialogue? WHERE WAS IT? Oh sure, some crap about bodies under a river, but where was the rest? The only inner dialogue we get is in the trailer. Hollywood once again tricked me with their very slick, yet unrepresentative trailer. It’s like the guy cutting the trailer new more about Max Payne then the director or the writer did.
2) The language. Where was the imagery? Where was the metaphors? The language? The super thick narrative that any good noir story has, was completely not there. Did anyone making the movie actually play the game? We know Mark didn’t, IMDB stated, ’Mark Wahlberg reportedly never played the video game as he didn’t want to become addicted, and felt the script connected him to the story enough.’ Are you fucking kidding me? He just got paid millions of dollars to play Max Payne, a character in a video game, and he couldn’t even take the time to do a little research? Like play a 10-20 hour play time video game? I bet if ‘ol Max had a scene were he was doing lines of coke off prostitues’ asses he would have taken a week to prepare for that scene, but play the game that your making a movie about?! WTF?! 3) Which brings me right into casting. Mark Walhberg is not Max Payne. I’ve liked some of Marks previous work, but him playing anything more than a pissed off guy from Boston, is really a stretch for him. I don’t think Mr. Walhberg has the ability to act his way out of a wet paper bag. Where was the pain? The dishevelery? Max never looked ‘put together’. he’s depressed, he doesn’t have time to color coordinate his all black wardrobe. Max always seemed lost, he was never the ‘badass’. Max is a tortured soul, other than a few fake choke-ups trying to tell people his wife and child are dead, there was nothing that was truly the character of Max Payne in Marky-Mark’s performance. Even in the moments where Walhberg was trying to ‘act’ out those scenes, you didn’t believe him, I never once felt anything for Max.
Not Max and Mona
The Real Max and Mona
Really Marky-mark, do like your brother and get the Funky Bunch back together again. Hell, at least Donnie had some acting chops… And then there is Mila Kunis…..ahhhh Mila. I couldn’t get enough of her in ‘Forgetting Sarah Marshall’ but she is not, I’m afraid, Mona Sax. Tell me something…when the hell did Mona Sax become Russian? Some please explain that. Mona is older, tougher. In the game she was almost a mystical creature to Max. She would show up and save his ass one minute, and then be gone before he could say ‘thanks’. Only towards the end of the game 2 did Max really have any clue who Mona was. Mila is too well, young, girlish looking to be considered a badass. Sorry my dear, but your not Mona Sax.
And then there is the character of Jim Bravura. In the game he is a crotchety old police captain. He reminded me of the older Commissioner Gordan from Batman. So, who would you think would make a great casting for old Jim Bravura? Donald Sutherland? Maybe Sam Elliot? oh oh, I know, I know……Ludicris!!! Jesus H. Christ what the hell were they thinking….
There are a trillion other things that were wrong with this movie. Frankly, I’m just tired of writing about such a dissappointing subject.
Overall I can’t even give this movie a rating…It doesn’t get a star….it doesn’t even get a half a star. Max Payne…’I award you no points….and may god have mercy on your soul’ (Will Farell as Alex Trebek on SNL)
-WMM
